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Tangled up in blue September 26, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — gleefulbarbarians @ 5:27 am

Dear Julie,

You’ve posted several times about Inja, and I keep meaning to post comments, but then I end up blathering along about my own stuff and never get back to her.   I’m finally getting back to that.

Dan scanned the “mostly in focus” pictures I had from our CIT year so many moons ago.  This is one of them.  I can’t remember what we were doing there – just walking to Rafters (and dammit, I’m still calling it Rafters)?  Heading to lunch?  Just wandering the trail?  Who knows.  The look on her face could be so many things – you can probably read it better than I can.  I found myself wondering: “patient?  annoyed? (her face looks too relaxed for that) just plain ‘fierce’?”  Who knows.  It’s Orbi – standing in the woods at camp.  That’s enough.

I was excited to find her again on Facebook.  It was neat seeing her boys do some of the same things mine do.  I was excited that the two of you ended up so close together even in a completely different part of the country.

I wish I remember more than just the highlights of that summer.  I have my CIT notebook, but it’s only mandatory writing since I’m not really a journal writer (and I’m sure all my other writing time was taken up by the boyfriend).  I do okay with letter writing – it seems more purposeful than just journaling, which is probably why my other attempts as a blog have largely failed.  I wish we could get all 6 of us together again and revisit more of what happened then.  Each person remembers somethings different as important, so together the memories can be revisited in a way they can’t when you’re alone with only your thoughts.   I wish I could remember more, though, because there are things in there that I don’t understand because I’ve forgotten.    Of course things that seemed OMG huge at 17 seem like “I was upset about what now?” as a 30 something.  For example, in my positive strokes, Orbi wrote “Al, you have such strength both physical and emotional that I look up to you (I look up to you anyways, ha!).  No, but I don’t know if I could be as strong as you are in all the spots we’ve been put in.  It takes a good person to do both.”

Reading that again now I think, “as strong as I am?  me?!  compared to what you’ve been thru?  honey, I’ve been lounging by the pool eating grapes compared to what you’ve been thru.”  What were those hard spots?  Were they things that summer?  Things in life we’d been talking about?  Something else?  Just dealing with Ams?  🙂

Hearing about her illness and slow recovery is an emotional struggle for me.  As I lose more and more of the faith I was raised with, I find myself turning to stories like hers and wondering how people reconcile God and this situation.   I can’t find logic in it (which is why it’s called “faith”) and it ends up making me angry.

Argh.  maybe I can’t write this post.  I am getting all jumbled up and weepy and …

So, I’ll just stop, but end on a humorous note.  How long did it take you to get all the sand out of your suits?







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