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Happy 4th of July! July 5, 2011

Filed under: Brain Chatter,Children & Insanity — gleefulbarbarians @ 5:38 am
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Ah, Independence Day. Time to celebrate. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt free and independent. You know when I feel most independent? When I’m in my car, turning on the lights because I’ve actually stayed out until it’s dark outside. (it doesn’t happen very often). It’s like I suddenly realize that I’m by myself. At night. Like…alone…of course, I have this pull to be home and with the girls for bed time, and I get very impatient to just be home. Some day, I won’t need to nurse before bed, read stories, brush teeth or give hugs. For now, I’m okay with this kind of dependence. I cherish it, actually, even when I sometimes feel like I’ve sat in this chair for way too many hours.

Mommy Independence is not just about freedom of time or from demands, but also from worry. I worry a lot. I guess it’s what moms do when they are trying to protect what they love.  Still, I wish I worried less. Stupid creative mind.

Your last letter sounded really exhausting. I’m pretty tired right now, so I recognize exhaustion. 🙂 Really though, neither of my children slept as babies. Ainsley started to sleep around two years–namely because I was pregnant and couldn’t take it much more. I think she knew. I’m coming to that point with Brenna. I just can’t take how tired and cranky I feel every day. Sometimes I worry that I will never feel less tired. That it will always be this way.

I also sometimes worry that I’ll never slow down. I know everyone, every parent is busy. That it goes fast. But I just want to not feel like every moment of my day is rush, rush, rush, do, do, you ever slow down?

I think I’m a little sad today because it was last year today that I last saw Inja before her aneurysm. Our daughters were in a parade on bikes and then cooked out and swam. I’ve thought of her a lot today.

I’m not being funny, am I? It’s almost midnight, so I gotta go to sleep. Sometimes I’m funny before sleep. Evidently not now. But I had to write and you know, depress you.

I hope you had a great day. The 4th is so lovely because everyone just takes time to be together and enjoy. It’s like the whole country is that way. I love that. Night!



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